VULNERABLE

From quite a young age we are often vehemently taught by our parents, teachers, coaches, mentors and peers how to NOT be vulnerable: How to protect ourselves from all of the people (out there) that want to take advantage of, hurt, defeat, or steal from us. Of course, a certain amount of awareness and training as to how to protect oneself against those (out there) who are of true ill intent is essential but there can also be negative impacts to an out of balance sense of needing to shield oneself from the whole world.

One of my mentors drilled into my seven-year-old mind to never trust anyone, especially women, that everyone will want to take advantage of me for my money and success, so I must be impenetrable, invincible. For many years, one of the ways this teaching manifested in me was a perceived need to be quite distant and cold in certain relationships, particularly business ones but often personal as well. I always felt that I needed to project the image of ultimate success, strength and independence no matter how I truly felt inside, which was often quite the opposite, dictating that I keep people at a safe distance. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, emotional, and exposed was not an option for me: therefore, for many years, neither were true relationships. 

The turning point for me was during my second nervous breakdown about six years ago, I began to reach out to friends and family in a way I had never before, completely revealing my deepest trauma, pain, fears and anxieties to them in the interest of no longer hiding from life and love. The experience was so incredibly freeing and fulfilling and initiated such a deepening of my relationships that I haven’t looked back since. I now relish the opportunity to be vulnerable with people and equally the opportunity to provide people with a safe space to be vulnerable with me, if they so choose. The awesome power of people simply being able to be vulnerable with each other without judgement is something to behold: the healing, communion, and insight that comes forth is unlike anything else I’ve even seen.  

I have learned that one of the key determiners of a successful vulnerability exchange is the receivers ability to quietly yet actively listen and not offer any advice unless it is explicitly asked for. What is most needed by the one who is sharing is simply to be heard and understood, that - is - all. 

Ultimately, we must be aware that not everyone has the capability to hear, hold, reflect and respond to our vulnerability in an evolutionary way, so after some experimentation, we develop our intuition as to with who and when our vulnerability can be truly received. 

In the past I often felt, as I believe a lot of us do, that if I was to be vulnerable and talk about my pain, fears, hopes, etc, that I would be perceived to be weak, small, a mess, immature, not a man, you name it. In contrast, when someone is able to be vulnerable with me, I see in them nothing but courage, strength, insight and love and am filled with total admiration for them. In our courage to be vulnerable despite our fear, we find true strength.

Gratefully, I now know, that without the ability to be vulnerable, we miss out on a huge juicy chunk of this beautiful thing called life.

Love, Wade. 

10/13/18

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GRATITUDE

I have found gratitude to be one of the most powerful forces in the universe. There are few challenging situations, if any, that gratitude can’t change one’s experience of. If we exercise some effort, especially in the midst of the most difficult experiences of our lives, we can find something, maybe even many things that we can still be grateful for. This is not a means by which to avoid pain; pain is inevitable and important, we must allow ourselves to feel it when it arrives for it often carries with it great lessons. The PRACTICE of GRATITUDE is a means by which to minimize suffering, expedite evolution, strengthen our innate positive manifestation powers and ultimately feel better about whatever is going on. We can constantly PRACTICE gratitude for the past, present and the unknown future. 

What we expect, we experience. 

What we look for, we find. 

What we pay attention to, grows. 

These are natural laws of the universe, so let’s enact them skillfully.

SUGGESTED RESEARCH EXPERIMENTS:  

Let’s say you are in the depth of a challenging life experience: your sad, or scared, or angry, or some combination of the three. Your energetic frequency is low and as like attracts like, you seem to be drawing more and more negative experiences towards yourself. Even if you don’t quite FEEL it, intellectually participate in the exercise of introducing a grateful thought and the chemical make up of your body and brain will begin to change. Every time a negative thought arrises, systematically replace it with a positive one, one of gratitude. Again, even if you are not FEELING it, do the intellectual work and with consistency it will gradually raise your energetic frequency and create a very real mental and emotional shift in you, which will then be reflected in your outer reality. Also, a grateful thought need not always be a deep and profound thought, take the pressure off, all gratitude is created equal. You could be grateful for peanut butter, comfortable shoes, a short line at Starbucks, your bed, a good Netflix binge, you name it. 

Another practice that I have found quite impactful is that I keep a GRATITUDE JAR in my house. Choose any jar you like, give it a gratitude label and a pile of little papers and pen next to it. At least once a day, jot down a simple little gratitude and drop it in the jar. Make sure to put the jar somewhere you are guaranteed to see and be reminded throughout your day. 

These small acts can make a profound impact on your day, week and life. If your curious, give them a try and I’d love to hear how it goes. Happy research. 

Love, Wade.

9/29/18

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SLOW

WHEN I MOVE FAST…

There’s not enough time.

I’m busy, not productive. 

I’m stressed. 

I react rather than respond. 

I assume. 

I misunderstand. 

I don’t connect.

I miss out on the joy of play.


WHEN I SLOW DOWN…

There’s plenty of time.

I hear the glorious soundtrack of life all around me.

I feel the warmth and truly savor the bitter, sweet, spicy, creamy taste of the tea I so precisely prepared. 

I soak in the sweet sight and sound of my son contentedly playing make-believe with his lego creations.

I luxuriate in the infinite benefits of spending copious time within the event horizon of my whimsical wife.

I listen, comprehend, understand, appreciate and celebrate. 

I realize that there is nothing that I have to prove and there is nobody that I need to be other than who I am, right now. 

I know that there is nothing else I need in this moment. I am okay. Everything is okay. 


Fast is not always what it’s cracked up to be.

Slow is overflowing with insight, contentment, and love. 

Let’s find more times and ways to slow down.

You and all of those that love you will thank you for it. 

Love, Wade. 

9/14/18

SUFFERING

I heard a beautiful line from my meditation teacher Christian Bevaqua the other night as he was addressing the group. “It is time to let go of suffering as a part of your identity.” 

I lived with a lot of personal suffering for a long time. I would set myself up for it over and over again. It has been so powerful for me over the last several years to delineate between pain and suffering. I’ve come to understand that pain is inevitable in life but suffering is optional. Our heart will be broken, we’ll lose a loved one, we’ll lose a job, we’ll be wronged, we’ll get sick, we’ll lose our house, our money, our pride, you name it. Pain will come and pain will go. But suffering is actually caused by our resistance to the pain. “I’m in pain and I hate that I’m in pain, it’s wrong that I’m in pain, it’s not fair, I’ve always been in pain and I’ll always be in pain, why is God, the Universe, etc against me?” This is suffering.

It is our resistance to and denial of WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING that causes our suffering, not the painful experience itself. I am not saying that the pain of our lives is not often very hard to deal with, but we tend to make it 10 times worse by resisting it. Rather than trying our best to flow with it and pay attention to what it is that it is here to teach us. 

We all know someone, maybe that someone is ourselves, that always seems to find a way to suffer, no matter the circumstance. “A bad thing happened because bad things always happen to me.” “A good thing happened but I know it won’t last, as soon as I get excited about it, another bad thing will happen.” In this case, it seems that suffering has become a large part of our identity. We don’t like it, but we know it and we find a strange comfort in the unliked known rather than the terrifying unknown. I believe it’s an addiction of sorts. We can’t seem to stop thinking the thing, feeling the thing, doing the thing that we know is bad for us. We can’t seem to keep thinking the thing, feeling the thing, doing the thing that we know is good for us. Often the fear is that if we drop our suffering, who are we? If we drop our story of “my life is so hard” no matter the circumstance, what’s our story?

The following is inspired by the teachings of Guru Deva Brahmānanda Saraswatī and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi:

What if the story is that the universe did not put us here to suffer?

What if the story is that to be born as a human being is an extremely rare and grand opportunity? 

What if the story, the life directive, is for us to relax and enjoy? 

I like that story. 

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. 

Let us try our best to RELAX AND ENJOY. 

Love, Wade. 

8/31/18

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THE DUST OFF

It’s been several weeks since I have written a Blog entry. I’ve been traveling with the family and teaching, thus private writing time has been hard to come by; not due to a lack of material, let me assure you. 😳

Over the last several years, I have become aware of a phenomenon, first within myself and then my awareness broadened to realize that I am not at all alone in this. I’ve come to know it as, “THE DUST OFF.” Let’s begin with my most current personal example. 

I have recently returned from a three-week, multiple-city journey, driven by teaching engagements and sprinkled by familial vacationing accompanied by my wife and son. At the beginning of the trip, I found myself operating at a low frequency, a bit melancholy, slightly irritated, just nervous enough to render myself consistantly uncomfortable and not quite sure as to why. In searching for answers as to the cause of my mental and emotional state, I came up with the following: it had been a few weeks since I had taught so I was feeling out of practice, I was concerned that I was ill-prepared for my upcoming teaching engagements, an old hip problem had flared up, was painful and restrictive, thus leaving me seemingly incapable of physically performing to the best of my ability and finally, I was in the midst of a spiritual practice that was feeling repressive and futile. Next on the agenda was to discover the antidote. 

This state permeated the first half of my trip until one evening, I had a tough time falling asleep, which is very rare for me now, with thoughts, fears, and anxieties running high. I woke up early the next morning, some penetrating questions and then answers flowed through me, I had an honest little chat with my wife, I was drawn to read some text which was exactly what I needed to hear and boom, the tide began to shift. Over the next few days, my attitude changed, my hip started improving, I launched into a series of really powerful teaching experiences that broadened my repertoire and reach, I made some courageous moves towards a new dream of mine, I lightened up and here I am now, returned from my trip, inspired and feeling grateful for this most recent “DUST OFF.”

This phenomenon is such that we humans tend to do a mental, emotional, and/or physiological DUST OFF, just before we take an evolutionary LEAP. In other words, just before we experience any major personal growth. Other examples lead me back to when our son was an infant and toddler: just before he would take a major leap in independence such as sitting up, crawling, walking, talking, or ceasing to breastfeed, he would seemingly regress emotionally, mentally or physically, such as become quite clingy, needy, have trouble doing things that he was already proficient at, breastfeed excessively, and so on. And then, boom, he would take a major leap into the next phase of his evolution. 

Post becoming aware of this phenomenon, I have witnessed myself, family and friends go through it many times. Just before we are about to let go of a thinking pattern or behavior and adopt a new, more evolutionary one, we tend to burrow back into that pattern or behavior one last time as if to make sure that we are really ready to drop it. It seems as though we need to experience it in a way that leaves us without a doubt that we no longer want it in our lives. 

I find that these Dust Offs differ in length and intensity, depending upon the scale of the evolutionary leap that is on the horizon. This last one for me was short and of a medium intensity, ultimately clearing the way for some perspective and behavioral changes and taking steps towards even greater responsibility as a teacher. One of my larger Dust Offs came in the form of two several-month nervous breakdowns over the course of a year, and they were the pre-cursors to my entire perspective and experience of life changing, moving to Maui, leaving the entertainment business and in many ways, beginning my life again: an equitable exchange was had. 

The reason I share this observation is that I have found having this knowledge to be quite helpful when in the midst of a DUST OFF. Let’s say we find ourselves engaging in thinking, and/or behaviors that we thought we were done with, we feel really down on ourselves for it, then we remember the DUST OFF phenomenon and become curios, maybe even excited as to what evolutionary leap may be on the horizon. 

When it is time to upgrade our computer software, an often essential part of that process is to do a sweep and delete all files that have become irrelevant in order to make space for the new software to run optimally. This awareness helps us to identify thoughts, emotions and behaviors that the universe is highlighting for deletion and become proactive in that evolutionary deletion process in order to make space for our new thoughts, emotions, behaviors, state of consciousness to run optimally. Then, we are maybe able to cut ourselves a break for regressing a little, knowing that it is solely a part of the mechanism by which we advance to something greater. And the whole experience can get a little easier.

In order to make this understanding real for you, maybe take some past inventory of periods of major growth in your life and see if you can identify the preceding Dust Off phenomenon that occurred.

365, 24/7, the demand on us from the universe is to change, to evolve. So let’s revel in the DUST OFF and LEAP. 

Love + Aloha, Wade.

8/17/18

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SURRENDER

I tried my luck for many years in the control business. I tried to control people, circumstances, creativity, love, you name it. Over and over again, I failed miserably, but stubbornly I kept trying and trying until I ultimately had an acute experience of complete loss of control of myself and therefore my circumstances and in reaction, I fell apart. 

It turned out that it was the "complete loss of control" that began my journey toward the deep realization that there are actually only ever five things that we CAN control: our personal thoughts, emotions, energy, speech and actions. In my experience, trying to control anything beyond that is an absolute waist of energy and time. 

Beyond that, SURRENDER can be a powerful choice. It’s not about releasing preference, we still have a preference, but we completely surrender control of the outcome. Why? Because if the outcome is different from our preference, based on the experience that there is never anything going on in the universe but evolution, the outcome will undoubtedly be “better,” more evolutionary than whatever our original preference was. The original preference if often merely the means by which the universe put us into motion towards the outcome we most needed to experience. That outcome may be pleasurable, it may be painful, it may be neutral, but it will absolutely be most evolutionary for our state of consciousness, our knowledge, our wisdom, our compassion, our capacity to love, you name it. 

Surrender is also powerful for me in that when I am able to release control of outcome, I stop resisting what is actually happening, I stop resisting the present moment, the only thing we ever actually have. I realize that no matter the circumstance, it’s not actually the circumstance that is causing me to suffer, it's my resistance to the circumstance that's causing me to suffer. It's actually never the “thing” that’s the problem, it’s my resistance to the “thing” that’s the problem. Replace “thing” with person, situation, emotion, and you get the same truth.

Contrary to popular belief, surrender is not weak, it is not about letting yourself be taken advantage of, it is not about giving up: it is about total acknowledgement and acceptance of what is currently happening and computing whether or not it is within your power to change it. If so, you take action immediately towards change, if not, you rest in acceptance of what is and surrender completely to the experience. And the amazing thing is, when we surrender to the painful experience that we know we cannot change, it actually ceases to be quite so painful, we are able to receive the infinite guidance emanating from it and often, without friction or effort, it changes. 

Finally, let's say we've received a desire, a dream, but we are scared because we would have to take a risk to go after it and we have no idea how it will turn out. In my experience, when we leap into the unknown, based upon a true desire that will be beneficial for us and all those we come into contact with, the direct result is complete support from the universe. That support, that outcome may or may not look exactly like we planned, but again, whatever it looks like, we can rest assured that it will be whatever is most evolutionary for all. 

Love, Wade.

7/15/18

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BE A MAN

As boys, men, girls, women, Fathers, Mothers, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives, what is our definition of what it means to be a boy and a man? 

Where did our definition come from: peers, parents, teachers, coaches, religion, movies, television, music, magazines, and billboards? 

Have we taken the time to question the validity of that definition? Is it evolutionary, helpful, expansive, based on personal experience or solely an unexamined regurgitation of what we were taught? Are we absolutely sure that we want to believe in what we say we believe in? 

Throughout my childhood and adolescence, some of the messaging I received about what it meant to be a boy and a man, mostly from peers, mentors and entertainment outlets was to be strong always, unemotional except for anger, confident, masculine, a heavy drinker, work obsessed, externally successful, powerful, sexually proficient, prolific and dominant. The negative effects of absorbing and adopting these beliefs were wide spread for me and the people who came into contact with me. 

In order to be strong and unemotional, I sacrificed the processing, understanding and expression of my fear, sadness, guilt, shame, enthusiasm and love. This caused me to miss out on the growth, transformation and joy of truly intimate relationships with females and males for numerous years. In order to be work obsessed, externally successful and powerful, I sacrificed play which caused me to be painfully serious about myself, my art/work and life, therefore omitting the sacred delight of light hearted spontaneity. In order to be sexually proficient, prolific and dominant, I became quite sexually promiscuous in my teenage years, recklessly racking up female conquests as if they were points in a video game. This of course did not foster a deep respect for the divine feminine energy, power and wisdom I now know, respect and benefit greatly from today.

My not being able to talk about, therefore begin to heal from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child until 22 years later, also had something to do with my absorbed beliefs about “being a man." “A man must always be strong,” therefore the often implied belief is that a boy or man cannot or should not be victimized, especially sexually; if so, he can be labeled as weak. What additionally played a role in my years of silence was the disgusting homophobia frequently associated with “being a man." Not yet able to understand that I was victimized, I carried deep shame and therefore great fear of being exposed as to having participated in what I mistakenly believed were homosexual acts. These were, of course, not homosexual acts but acts of child sexual abuse.

Furthermore, we must question the deep insecurity of why so called “manly” men are often threatened by and emotionally or physically violent in reaction to another males sexual preference.  

How many times have we experienced or witnessed young boys getting physically or emotionally hurt and being immediately reprimanded by their parents or guides to “be a big boy” or “be a man” and “stop crying.” I believe the repetitive impact of this can be catastrophic: this being the beginning of what can become an onslaught of messaging that teaches the boy to bury his feelings in order to “be a man.” Ultimately this can lead to a man that is filled up with a lifetime of unexpressed hurt and fear that is merely waiting to explode at the slightest perceived threat. This may have something to do with the fact that at least 80% of all violent crime is committed by males. As the Father of a young boy, I am trying my best to help our son avoid these damaging male archetypes.

I also experienced some positive male role models and messaging as I was growing up such as my Father was often gentle, compassionate, loving and playful. Some of my older brother's qualities are humility, thoughtfulness, and a quiet stability and strength. G, a Father figure of mine, was and is very emotionally expressive, silly, holds the divine feminine in deep reverence and as a heterosexual man was always an outspoken proponent of romantic and sexual freedom. 

In my experience, sometimes the most manly thing we can do is to have the courage to be vulnerable: to express our fear, sadness, loneliness and shame as well as our dreams, enthusiasm and love. Because only when vulnerability is present can we truly commune with others. 

Optimally, like all concepts and definitions, the ones we hold about manhood should constantly be evolving and expanding. What was relevant yesterday, 100 years ago or 1000 years ago may very well no longer be relevant today. 

Let’s let go of the old noise and moment by moment, decide what we choose to believe based upon what FEELS right, compassionate, loving and evolutionary. A generation of men that are strong, honest, compassionate, vulnerable and gentle when appropriate, emotionally expressive, progressive, deeply reverential and empowering to women, could change the world.

Love, Wade.

7/6/18

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WHY ME?

“How could this happen to me?”

“Why does this always happen to me?”

“Well, with my luck….(insert bad outcome)."

“Why is the Universe/God/World against me?”

Do these types of thoughts sound familiar, either coming from yourself or someone you know? 

If I find myself in a low emotional state, if I’m stressed, sad, angry, or hurt, if I am honest with myself, I realize that the common denominator, the main cause for my state, is that I have allowed myself to slip into victim consciousness. I have let myself fall into some level of belief that someone or something “out there” is 100 percent responsible for my life, my success or failure, my peace, my happiness. This is incredibly disempowering and ultimately an illusion. 

Let’s be clear, I am not talking about situations in which some of us are truly victimized physically, sexually, emotionally, socially or economically, as adults and especially as children. I am talking about those of us who either have some distance in time from those situations or are outside of those situations completely, mentally and emotionally capable adults, who are allowing ourselves to exist partially or completely in a victim state of consciousness. 

Yes, people do or say things towards us that are mean, violent, irritating, inconvenient, you name it, situations occur that are incredibly challenging, but as hard as this may be to swallow sometimes, we ALWAYS have the ultimate choice as to how we let them or the situation make us feel and how we choose to respond. Often, it does not feel as though we have a choice in our response at all, but we ALWAYS do. 

The supreme opportunity is to choose our perspective. Can I look back at every single challenging situation that has ever happened to me in my life and discover that through the pain, fear, grief or anger, I received a powerful evolutionary lesson from it, that I met someone because of it who is now extremely important in my life, that I became closer with someone than ever before because of it? I believe this is always the potential final analysis, if we choose for it to be.

It is amazing the grace, power and flow that I experience when I am living the belief that LIFE DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME, IT HAPPENS FOR ME. That the universe will give me exactly the experience I need at exactly the right moment for the evolution of my consciousness. As Eckhart Tolle said, “How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” 

Then I find it is about patience. We understandably want to know the WHY right away but often it doesn’t work that way. There may be a lot of growth that needs to happen first in order for our state of consciousness to have the capacity to know, understand and apply the why. The truth is, we will know, when it is relevant for us to know. 

So can we say, "Why me?", not with angst but with great curiosity and enthusiasm? And can we remain available for an answer that may not look, sound or feel anything like we imagined? 

Love, Wade.

6.30.18

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STUFF

What is our relationship to stuff? 

I’m not talking about our understandable desire for basic stuff like shelter, food, water, clothing, transportation, etc. I’m talking about all the stuff that comes after our basic needs are met. All the stuff that we often allow ourselves to define as needs but actually do not meet that criteria. 

The following are several questions I ask myself that you may find interesting to answer. 

Do I feel better about myself when I have more or fancier stuff than someone else?

Do I feel less than when I don’t have as much or not as impressive of stuff as someone else? 

Does my stuff or lack of stuff drive who I think I am?

How much time and energy do I spend researching, working for, acquiring, posting about, organizing, cleaning, and getting rid of stuff?

What percentage of my stuff has ever given me a true and lasting sense of fulfillment, contentment, meaning, purpose, love or peace?

Based on our answers to the above questions, we may wish to reconsider our relationship with stuff. 

If we were able to spend less time, money and energy on stuff, what would we choose to do with that newly available time, money and energy that we feel would possibly result in more peace, joy and fulfillment in our lives? 

The following links are a couple of resources I have found inspiring and that have sparked these questions in my life. 

Graham Hill: Less stuff more happiness

Minimalism: A Documentary Film

LOVE, Wade. 

6.22.18

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VALIDATION

Will he or she love me? Will they love my work? Will he or she understand me? Am I good enough? Will they appreciate me?

How much energy do we expend searching for validation from other people and the outside world? 

And even when we receive positive validation from the people we were searching for it from or organizations at large, how deeply does it actually impact how we truly feel about ourselves? In my experience, if we do not believe at our core that we are worthy, lovable, and/or good enough: no matter how much validation we receive from the outside world, it does not penetrate our core beliefs about ourselves. Yet still, we keep trying to change it from the outside in. 

For most of us, this pattern seems to start from quite early on as we look for the approval of our parents, maybe our siblings, then teachers, friends, peer groups, lovers, bosses, social media followers and on and on. We alter our thoughts, personality, behavior, creativity, work, interests, and relationships, all in the hope of being accepted and validated as worthy by them out there; often based upon the assumption that there is no way they will ever accept and love us for exactly how we are naturally so we must conform into the version of ourselves we think they want us to be. All of this is confusing and exhausting at best, deeply painful at worst, and always fleeting and free of any true and lasting satisfaction. 

So what might be an alternative way?

First, I believe we must find a way to begin physiologically removing the years of social conditioning and stress that has lead to these beliefs and behaviors. In my personal experience, meditation and psychotherapy (namely Vedic Meditation, E.M.D.R. and Somatic Experiencing) have been hugely effective in this process; coupled with correction of the intellect via reading, writing and social research, as well as experimentation with ceasing to follow the directives of my ego and instead following my hearts desire and intuition as to what I want, say, choose and do. This for me has not been a light switch kind of change in thinking or behavior, it has taken and continues to take constant diligence and practice as these beliefs and behaviors, as they were for me, are often deeply ingrained in our biological hardware. 

When I am able to tune into and act purely upon my hearts desire rather than my ego’s insecure search for external validation, life seems to unfold in a frictionless and evolutionary manner, meaningful personal relationships flourish, non-evolutionary relationships reveal themselves and effortlessly fade away, creativity flows and a sense of inherent worthiness becomes the launching point rather than the fruitless goal of activity. 

So if you are charmed, maybe ask yourself, what would I think, desire, choose, say, and do if I felt inherently and unwaveringly worthy and loved already and had no concern for or need of permission or validation from anyone or anything outside of mySELF? What would that look and feel like? And what am I willing to do towards making that my reality? 

Aloha, Wade. 

6/9/18

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LOVED & LOATHED

If you choose to say or do something vulnerable and honest, propelled by something you believe in deeply and/or know to be true…

There will be people who love you for it and people who loath you for it. 

If you choose to communicate a truth that will expose certain people’s wrong doing or that certain people may not want to believe or can’t accept about themselves… 

There will be people who love you for it and people who loath you for it. 

If your expression actually puts no one at risk and doesn’t challenge anyone’s integrity but is purely an honest and loving articulation of your own heart…

There will be people who love you for it and people who loath you for it.

So…

Shall we let other people's loving or loathing raise or silence our voice? NO.

Shall we design or edit our honest and responsible expression based upon whether we believe people will love us or loath us for it? NO.

Shall we measure the validity of our honest expression based upon whether people love us or loath us for it? NO.

Then…

Shall we tune into our heart and express our truth unabashedly? YES. 

Shall we speak truth to power? YES. 

Shall we find our validation based solely upon how our expression feels in our own heart? YES. 

Shall we try to be mindful as to how our expression could possibly move the needle towards the greater good of all? YES. 

Shall we continue expressing from a deep place of truth after people demonstrate how much they love or loath us for it? YES. 

Shall we start right now?

YES!

 

Love, Wade. 

5/25/18

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UP + DOWN

One month, weʻre a new parent beaming with the profundity of life and reveling in our new found sacred responsibility. A few months later, weʻre in the crux of a nervous breakdown wondering where the purpose of everything went. 

One day sheʻs under the trees bursting with gratitude and riding the endless wave of universal guidance. The next day her energetic frequency is low, sheʻs stressed, irritated, static and wondering why me?

On Monday, all the kids in your class wanted to play with you at lunch, now itʻs Tuesday and you seem to be the butt of a joke, everyone is laughing at you behind your back and you are all alone. 

An hour ago I was stressed, angry and short on adaptability units, now here I sit in a coffee shop with tea, scone, a gentle breeze, blue skies and a limitless sense of possibility. 

His brother just died unexpectedly. His new business, that is of great benefit to society, which he has put his heart and soul into, is thriving and providing for his family. 

Last night I was an asshole, this morning I am a saint. 

As Chögyam Trunpa Rinpoche said, “THERE IS NO CURE FOR UP AND DOWN.” 

Can we embrace that the UP holds such greater meaning and reward because of the DOWN? Can we take solace in that the DOWN is tilling and watering the soil to provide a fertile foundation for the next glorious UP?

Can we move further away from black or white, this or that, and move more towards the self-evident reality of simultaneity: of this, that and the other? Our lives are rarely all up or all down but a mixture of up, down and the in-between.

I believe moving more towards this simultaneity understanding of our own lives, thoughts and emotions could possibly help us to be more understanding towards other people. I donʻt believe people are either good or bad. We are so much more nuanced than that. We all have the potential for all qualities inside of us and depending upon our life circumstances, certain qualities are triggered more than others. At times we have all been kind, mean, compassionate, judgmental, brave, scared, nondiscriminatory, prejudiced, loving and hateful. Through it all, were we not mostly trying with whatever was our best at that moment? 

So, in the knowingness of our internal and external UP + DOWN, can we find more patience, listening, understanding and communion for ourselves, our neighbor, our stranger, and our so-called enemy? Maybe we can give it a try. 

Wishing you health, love + the revelation of your fulfillment. 

Love, Wade. 

5/18/18

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MY BEST

Sometimes I’m compassionate. Sometimes I’m judgemental.  

Sometimes I’m patient. Sometimes I’m not.  

Sometimes I’m insightful. Sometimes I’m short-sighted. 

Sometimes I’m vulnerable. Sometimes I’m guarded and playing a role. 

Sometimes I’m playful. Sometimes I’m way too serious.  

Sometimes I’m peaceful. Sometimes I’m stressed.  

Most always I’m trying my best but my best looks different, everyday. 

I’m imperfect and I’m enough.  

You’re imperfect and you’re enough. 

Love, Wade.  

4/28/18

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MUSIC, MOVEMENT + ME

Stream of consciousness, as I remember it…

Two years old, Michael Jacksonʻs “The Making of Thriller,” on VHS. Ran into the kitchen to hide when he became the werewolf, ran back when it was time to dance. Everyday. Obsessed. 

On my stomach, on the carpet, Fruit Loops in a bowl, Salt-N-Pepaʻs “Push it” music video on MTV. Glorious. 

Fisher-Price kids record player, “Thiller” album on repeat. 

Hours alone in the living room, itʻs dark, the carpetʻs green, Iʻm facing the TV copying dance moves from music videos. Heaven. 

Five years old, hours of dance rehearsal at the Johnny Young Talent School in Brisbane. I didnʻt love being choreographed. I had my own ideas. 

Dressed head to toe in MJ gear, hot Brisbane days, front of our driveway dancing my heart out, drenched in sweat, just waiting for a car to drive by. Painfully quiet street. 

Won a dance contest, prize was to meet Michael Jackson. Wildest dream come true. Met him, a couple nights later Iʻm on stage with him and Stevie Wonder in front of tens of thousands of people. Downstage center, throw my hat off, letʻs do this. “That was fun.” 

On top of the moon because when Mom picked me up from school she handed me a new record she bought for me. Ravenous for music. 

Birthdays backstage. 

Seven years old, first time to Los Angeles. OMG, head over heels in love. Met MJ again, Neverland, Dance, Inspiration, Sexual Abuse. You know that story…If you donʻt and your curious, go back after and click here, here, and here

Music and movement interests begin to expand beyond MJ: Bobby Brown, Tony Terry, M.C. Hammer, Bel Biv Divoe, Johnny Gil, Snap and G.U.Y.

Nine years old, Mom, Sis + I move to LA. Weekly training with street dance legends Pop-N-Taco, Popnʻ Pete, and Boogaloo Shrimp. Invigorated by the movement knowledge. 

Dancing professionally in LA. Commercials, music videos, live shows. Iʻm the 10 year old kid at the 18 and over auditions. 

Hip Hop music and movement blows up my world. Heavy D,  LL Cool J, E.P.M.D., Naughty By Nature and A Tribe Called Quest. 

10 years old, working on a solo rap record. Drenched in hip-hop culture. 

11 years old, joined a rap dup called Quo. Weʻre signed to MJJ Records. Weʻre produced by the likes of Teddy Riley, Redman and Eric Sermon. Dream to write and produce music is officially sparked.  

12 years old, MJ sends me some recording equipment. Piano lessons happen. All hours of the day and night, Iʻm in my little studio making music. Canʻt get enough.

I start teaching 6 dance classes a week. In class, time slips away, music and movement takes possession. I love teaching and seem to have a knack for it. 

Music interests expand; Prince, Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder, Bjork, Tori Amos, James Brown, Ani Difranco, Beatles, John Williams, Danny Elfman, Bernard Herman, Alex North and on and on. 

Creating edits, remixes and original music for my dance classes. Harder to decipher which one comes first, the music or the movement. They have become one. 

14 years old, choreographing music videos, commercials and live shows, music editing, remixing and original compositions to accompany the movement. 

16 years old, Britney Spears, *NSync, choreography, music, stage direction. Big break. 

Writing and producing album music for Britney Spears, *NSync and others. Love being in the studio writing music and geeking out for hours on the arrangement and technical aspects of music production. 

More and more pressure and expectation builds in my career. My love affair with dance: on the rocks. Fun is slipping away. Stakes are high. 

19 years old, I quit Choreography and Stage Direction, “been there, done that,” to focus on Film Directing. 

Writing and producing music continues. I get a big music publishing deal. Pressure feels stronger than ever to deliver. Fun is slipping away and taking productivity with it. 

20 years old, MTVʻs “The Wade Robson Project.” Dance is back in my life. Some moments of fun but ultimately stained by the superficial desire for fame. 

21 years old, I quit dance again to focus on Film Directing. Love/Hate relationship continues. 

23 years old, join the second season of So You Think You Can Dance. Feeling experimental + playful. First piece out the gate wins an Emmy. Gift/Curse. 

5 year resurgence of choreography career. Another Emmy. Music creation here and there. Music and movement interest expansion. Starts out fun. Pressure builds. Less and less play. Career peaking. Anxiety peeking. 

About to Direct my first feature film. Son born. Two nervous breakdowns. Disclosure of MJ abuse. Bury dance, music and film. Disappear to most isolated land mass on the planet. 

Music repertoire shrinks for a while to the only kind that makes me feel safe and good, Bob Marley and Jack Johnson. Dance is gone, forever I think. 

Meditation. Therapy. Reading. Nature. Family. Maui. 

Music interests are the first thing to begin to unravel. I am reborn as a fan and student once more. Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, classical Indian, Tom Waits, Ennio Morricone, Philip Glass and Miles Davis. I pick up the guitar, start writing songs again. 

Film creation comes back in a whole new way. 

2017…DANCE…oh dance, comes back. We fall in love like never before. We play. We share. We remember. The music and movement runs deeper in me than it ever has. My gratitude knows no bounds. 

They never left. Theyʻve always been there for me. An infinite, condition-less gift. It was me that had to find my way home. 

Sometimes you have to experience who you are not, in order to know who you are. 

Wishing you music, movement, health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment. 

Love, Wade. 

4/21/18

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ENOUGH

From teenage-hood through my twenties, I woke up nearly every morning with a nervous, anxious mass of energy in my stomach. This was accompanied by a feeling that I was already late, that somebody out there was already doing something impressive before me and better than me. I was possessed by the need to be first and best. The motivating belief was that there was only so much time and so much room for true greatness (read external success, validation and material acquisition), so if I wanted it, I needed to hurry up! Therefore, when a peer experienced an external success, it was often very hard for me to be truly happy for them, to celebrate them because in my mind their success meant my failure, my laziness and my forever missed opportunity. 

This was a painful existence and ultimately stemmed from an egoic belief that I was not enough; that I was not worthy. This belief was created and compounded by mentor and societal teachings such as, “Be the best or nothing at all because life is a competition and survival of the fittest.” After my nervous breakdowns, beginning my healing process and finding Vedic Meditation, I began to come to the realization that these “teachings” were merely stories that us humans made up and bought into, stories that were created in the first place from a deep feeling of unworthiness, lack and scarcity. Stories that we can now choose to opt out of and make up new ones that better reflect our actual present experience, and/or how we want to feel and our dreams of how we wish for life to be. Stories that make us feel worthy, loved, empowered, connected, loving, enthusiastic and peaceful. 

The vast and magnificent flat ocean is accentuated by rising and falling waves. Yes, waves behave differently than the flat ocean but that does not make them non-ocean. They are not connected to the ocean; there are no screws: they ARE ocean, in motion. Do the other waves protest, complain and feel less than when one wave rises up? Of course not because there is a knowingness of reciprocal flow going on. Because that wave has risen, the next wave is able to rise and the next: ad infinitum. 

Our consciousness is like the ocean and our human life is like a wave. That human over there is not actually separate from me; She and I came from and are made up of the same stuff: consciousness. Because she rises, so can I, because I rise, so can you, and so on. There is infinite space for each and every one of us and we each have our own individual timeline. So optimally we exult, celebrate and praise when our fellow wave rises and we surround, support and lift up when our fellow wave falls; as we are all a part of the one, infinite, glorious ocean rising and falling: perpetually in motion. So ultimately, when she rises, we all rise and when she falls, we all fall. 

Abundance in all its forms is our birthright and its source, our source, is inexhaustible. 

Letʻs try to release our poverty consciousness because:


What we expect, is what we experience.


What we pay attention to, grows. 


What we look for, we find. 


Letʻs try to relax, slow down, meditate, tune into our deepest desires that were implanted there by the universe and then unhesitatingly take action, knowing that we are undulating ocean whoʻs rise, fall and rise again is guaranteed in the design and is supported and organized by the infinite intelligence of the vast, omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient oceanic consciousness. 

Summary of the story: as Bruddah Bob put it, “Every little thing, is gonna be all right.” 

Wishing you peace, enthusiasm, motion and holistic abundance. 

Love, Wade. 

4/14/18

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FORGIVENESS

Over the last several months, the Universe has made it clear to me that FORGIVENESS is the next big chapter in my healing journey. I received the questions, “Who have you not forgiven? How is this resentment blocking you from living the life you want to live?” This was clear for me so I began to try and move toward that forgiveness for two key people in my life. But I kept hitting a wall. I felt that my heart was absolutely ready to forgive but I couldnʻt quite make the leap for some reason; some intellectual, ego, fear blockage, I thought. 

With the help of my therapist I received the revelation, ITʻS ME, Iʻm the wall, Iʻm the one I havenʻt forgiven. I canʻt forgive anyone else until I forgive myself. I canʻt give anyone anything that I do not have. Can I forgive myself for not being able to tell the truth about Michael Jacksonʻs abuse earlier than I did? If I could have, maybe I could have prevented Michael from abusing other kids. Can I forgive myself for choosing Michael over my Father? Can I forgive myself for, in certain moments, not living up to my own standards as a Husband and a Father?

I keep coming back to, if my son made the mistakes that I have made, how would I feel towards him, what would I say? I know that I would be infinitely more forgiving, understanding, compassionate and loving towards him than I am towards myself. Is that fair? What would it be like if I treated myself like my son, like someone I love, like someone I know has a beautiful heart and is human, makes mistakes, tries to learn from them, tries to do better the next time, never wants to hurt anyone, but sometimes does, unintentionally? As Dr. Maya Angelou said, “If I would have known better, I would have done better.” This grand adventure lies ahead. 

Reader...

What have you not forgiven yourself for?

How is this resentment blocking you from living the life you want to live?

Who have you not forgiven?

How is this resentment blocking you from living the life you want to live?

What would life be like if you treated yourself like someone you loved? 

Love, Wade.
4/6/18

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LET THE HARD TIMES ROLL

Understandably, we humans would love for everything in our lives to go smoothly all the time. We tend to have this idea that we are going to put our heads down, grin and bear all the pain, challenges, ups and downs for a certain number of years until the day arrives when weʻve finally figured it all out, everything is a piece a cake and weʻll then coast peacefully and happily through the rest of our lives. We tend to feel as though hard times in our lives are a sign of something gone wrong, that they are something that should not be happening and need to be dissolved as quickly as possible. 

But if we look back on a “hard” or “bad” time in our life, I believe that most of the time, if we are honest with ourselves, we can actually feel grateful that it occurred. Because if it hadnʻt, we wouldnʻt have learned this or that, or we wouldnʻt have met so and so, or we wouldnʻt have landed into a certain circumstance that turned out to be really good for us. 

In my own life, seven years of child sexual abuse and 22 years of silence about it eventually led to two terrifying nervous breakdowns, an awakening, the revelation of a path towards an infinitely more fulfilling life and a deeper understanding of myself and humanity. Periods of stressful financial scarcity led to a deeper reverence for, understanding of, and relationship with the positive role finances can play in oneʻs life and purpose. Finally, years of painful association with and aversion towards dance tilled the soil and created a foundation from which a rebirth of dance in my heart, mind and body could occur, redefining my purpose, yet again. 

There is a lot of simultaneity here: the above experiences of mine were painful, stressful, and damaging as well as enlightening, instructive and evolutionary. I think we make it harder on ourselves when we try to label our experiences solely as this or that. I have found that my experiences are most often this, that and the other simultaneously and that taking this perspective on them allows me to grow from them exponentially and profoundly, whether they were pleasurable or painful in the moment. 

If we do the work of researching our past “hard” or “bad” life experiences and discovering all the good that actually came from them, it can give us the knowledge, evidence and confidence to boldly know and declare, in the midst of a current painful experience, “At some point, I will be grateful for this experience because I will understand that it helped me to grow.” This does not mean that the current experience will necessarily completely cease to be painful or hard, but I have found that it can make it, at the very least, much more manageable, as it can lessen, if not erase, the crippling feeling of victimhood. 

When we put ourselves in the stratum of gratitude, we put ourselves in the position of choice. We may not be consciously choosing to experience the current painful situation, but we can consciously choose to listen to why the pain or challenge has arrived in our lives, what is it hear to teach us? I have found that every experience arrives with the gift of a priceless teachable moment. This knowingness gives us the capability to engage in a partnership with life rather than feeling as though we are being controlled by some supernatural dictator with a bad attitude, “Why is the Universe and/or God against me?” This could not be further from the truth. 

365 days a year, 24 hours a day, there is actually only one thing gong on, EVOLUTION: progressive change from one state to another. Sometimes itʻs joyful, sometimes itʻs painful, but itʻs always evolutionary. So the next time a challenging, sad, painful, or scary experience arrives, try to stop, look and listen to what it is hear to teach you about where you are, what it is time for you to let go of, what it is time for you to gain and where it is time for you to go. And if youʻre charmed, try uttering something like, “Thank you for this experience and for the greater one it is carrying me to.” 

Wishing you health, love and the revelation of your fulfillment. 

Love, Wade.
3/23/18

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